pigs.

whether 1 plus 1 equals two isnt the question. it never was the question.

whether pigs oink. or birds fly.

you see it when you walk outside. you see it when you walk inside. you see it when you walk.

and still you ask the question that was never the question.

and still we walk. we walk outside. we walk inside. and we keep asking. but no one is answering.

a persistent bunch. we roll in it. like pigs in the mud. some would consider it dirty. but it is a way of life. rolling in the mud isnt dirty to a pig.

look up. look down. describe what you see. write it down on a piece of paper.

look left. look right. look out the window and what sits outside. walk outside. breath the air. think about how it smells. think about how it looks. do you see mountains or buildings.

do you ask questions that matter. does anyone.

think about the pigs.

think about the birds.

think about the birds. and the birds.

see this is where it stops making what little sense it made.

the skies are green. the fish dont swim. they dont float. the fish dont. and yet the questions are sprawling. like a dog stretching on the floor. and the floor isnt there. and neither is the dog. our imaginations stretched.

the reds and the blues. things that shouldnt be moving. oh theyre moving. focus. stop. they keep moving. the walls fly like birds. the floors roll like pigs. dirt where there should be none. but is it dirty.

you cant insult a pig by calling it dirty. but you can insult a man by calling him dirty.

up is down. right isnt as right as we once thought. down is down.

me. i. we. she. him. us. they. all the same. interchangeable.

they walked with they. i didnt know then.

him know now.

and its all a sham. carefully constructed. carefully orchestrated. and each piece falls into place. and she knew then what i always knew. us. they were always.

words like kids.

past the past.

furtive futures.

presence presently.

squiggle. to the left.

to the right.

hold the breath.

day by night.

swim swam.

the period collides.

comma non existent anymore. removed from the keyboard.

time too short.

time too long.

the sense cant be made.

little to understand.

even less to grasp.

and so be it.

and so be we.

played words. words played.

watching them run like children.

so hard to control.

they do their own things.

words belong to the words.

i am merely the one to build a fence to keep them all in.

but they play. and arrange.

it is better that way.

let the words speak for themselves so they cant be misunderstood.

misinterpreted. its your mistake not mine.

oatmeal.

the nights were never darker than in the time after he left.

we knew.

see i talk so much about knowing. but is that because i am scared that i know nothing. am i not comfortable with that fact.

he was.

we all were. atleast we said we were. there had to be some liars in our midst.

was i one of the liars.

it couldnt have been me. i was his most ardent friend. i believed what he said when he said it.

and now for naught. he was gone. and i didnt know anything.

so here i stayed. sitting. in the dark. too dark for even the stars. they stayed home tonight. total.

questioning.

the anxiety bubbled up. it spilled over.

it reminded me of all the mornings making oatmeal. when the momentary lapse in attention would lead to oats boiled over on the stove. and that was the anxiety.

the lapse of attention and then it was all over stove. and the floor. seeping into the ground.

and i didnt know.

 

marching on.

we waited and watched. hidden in the bushes.

line after line of them marched past us. unaware of our spying.

we dared not make a sound. lest they hear us and become aware of us. i was surprised that they hadnt smelled us yet.

more and more came.

cats. dogs. horses. pandas. lions. monkeys. deer. and more.

on and on they marched. the only rhyme was the reason. and the reason was unknown to us.

but on they marched. in a perfect line. as if off to fight in some noble war. for the greater good of all animal kind. a fight against the tyranny of man.

or maybe they were just playing. we didnt dare make ourselves known to find out.

and then there were none more. they faded into the night. and we just looked at each other. knowing we had seen something we were never supposed to see.

little did we know.

little did we know.

caring.

i didnt ask them to try and understand me he said. they did that on their own. they cant be mad at me for not being able to understand me. i never asked them to try.

he kept going. repeating himself again. no one was listening anymore. once you have heard a person say something enough times the words lose their power.

it didnt matter. it never did. not to me.

but it did to them. and it did to him because it mattered to them. they planted the seed inside his head. and it grew and flowered into what it is now. a terrible ugly weed that refused to go away. slowly than more quickly pushing him to a brink. then eventually over it.

i never asked them to understand me. he yelled. and now they are mad at me. at me. really. like that makes any sense at all.

he was reaching terminal velocity. and the color in his face kept darkening in intensity.

the words came faster. hotter.

i turned away.

there was nothing i could say or do. not that it was my place to say or do anything.

it didnt matter. it never did. not to me.

 

 

we i.

i tried to make sense of the motions.

he i.

we he.

they rambled together. the differences not as different as they once seemed.

i tried to make sense. but no sense was to be made.

the laziness of it all. nothing to differentiate between them.

them we.

we i.

and so it stood. and so i stood. and so we stood.

nothing making sense. but it was never supposed. to.

we moved like shadows. he a ghost. i a fish through water too shallow. ripples where there should have been none.

but it isnt my fault. just as much as it isnt yours. we cant be held responsible for those. and those are i and i them.

he disappeared into it all. lost into the moment that continued for an eternity. and he was scared. and so were we. and so i.

not i but them.

not we but us.

the tenses dont align. the tense dont align.

the line aligned. and so we.

 

and he was sleep.

its always in those moments before sleep he said.

the time when my mind is left to its own devices. without distraction. that is when the thoughts hit deepest he continued.

he sat there speaking but no one listened. no one listened for no one was there. and that was the simple brilliance of it all. he didnt care that he was alone. alone with just his thoughts in those moments before sleep hit him.

if he was talking. we will never know. not i. and not you.

the mind runs free he said. it is allowed to pursue its own path. i cant control it so it follows its own line down the hill.

the ball rolling never stops. not today. nor tomorrow.

you could see the struggle in his eyes. open for a second and then closed. another second closer to sleep and the gentle uneasiness that greeted him there. sleep onward to sleep.

the thoughts arent my own he said.

he said nothing more. he just rolled over. and night was dark. and he was sleep.